Too Much Love, Too Much Death

I’ve always been fairly mindful

of keeping track on the timeframe

during different phases that my life goes through,

but something is a little bit cracked this time

and I can’t exactly remember the last day

when I didn’t drink at least one bottle of wine.

I know it’s been six months minimum,

but in reality likely a lot longer than that.

I can still count to two, however,

and that is the number of days it’s now been

since I had my last sip.

I just want to be perfect.

Is that too much to ask?

Why yes, it is, so ditch

those unrealistic, impossible expectations

before you drown in the demented neurosis

of your own frayed consciousness.

I can’t breathe here.

There is too much love here.

There is too much death here.

I can’t see clear.

I’m up the river without a paddle.

I’m down the creek against the tide.

Everything I thought to be

so beautiful, inspiring and uplifting

about my recent creative flight

was actually just burning holes

in every organ of my body

as the knife went in my back.

I need a fire extinguisher.

I’ll break the glass

if you just show me where the hammer is.

I am not a carpenter.

I cannot rebuild this temple alone.

This bottle is filled with poison.

The sky is raining acid.

My clouded mind is depressed and running on empty.

My kidneys are hardened stone.

The devil in my dreams

sounds so sweet and sexy.

The deal he offers

makes it all seem so simple.

Just lay down in this plush velvet casket

lined with golden trim

and filled with red roses.

Just join me in the eternal fires

beyond this realm of loneliness, pain and misery.

But I don’t want the easy fix anymore.

Get your filthy hands away from my suffering.

Put a cork in it.

I had to wage war for each scar I bear.

I had to earn every one of these mistakes.

I’m not selling the lessons they taught me

for a little bag of silver.

There is no ending here

because I haven’t even begun yet.

There is no death here

because I’m still holding out for love.

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